Bruised Fruit 13 - 2 January 2025

I have been running for most of my life. As a child, I grew up making friends and leaving them. As an adult, I have loved, and I have lost love. It's been a long time coming. But I know change is coming. Thanks, Whitey Ford, for that line. 

This life is chaotic. There are so many choices. It's New Year's Eve as I write this. I was inspired while I listened to music and washed my dishes. It's 10:21 p.m. I used to celebrate the upcoming New Year, but not this year - outwardly. Parts of that life are gone but will never be forgotten.

I turned 50 recently. I get mail from the AARP. My body aches - I have injured myself multiple times over the past year and a half. I am not complaining. I am grateful to be alive. I am thankful for parts of my past, and reflective of all of it. I have lived around the world like a prince, done drugs that would kill another, been homeless in California, gone to jails and prison, fallen in love, attended college at age 36, and graduated with my Bachelor's in Journalism by 40. I had a successful career in Albany in communications for nearly a decade, which I lost due to my drug use –  but the experience remains within me. I am still strong. I work every day. I sleep. I eat. I do laundry. I sweep and mop. I used to poison myself on a daily basis. Now, I am staying in on New Year's after just over five months of sobriety and writing. 

I love to write, and I'm good at it. I'm not being arrogant - I'm being accurate. That's the name of the game in journalism. Truth. Facts. Honesty. Three things I ignored while I used drugs. The truth and the facts. I lived in the shadows and was afraid to look within myself. Now that I have and continue to do so, I have found the courage and strength to make my own damn decisions that are careful and measured and end up benefiting me or someone I care about. I'm still in early sobriety, but I am trying my best to follow the Four Agreements: Be Impeccable With Your Word. Don't Take Anything Personally. Don't Make Assumptions. Always Do Your Best. 

And stay sober. That's my fifth agreement: Sobriety. I haven't attended an NA meeting in a while, but I have been in touch with my recovery coach, which is great. He's doing well – getting a promotion, actually, and leaving Mountaintop Cares Coalition, the organization that connected us. Life moves on. It waits for no wo-man. I don't know my future, but I know I'll be brave enough to face it. For those who dismiss my words, that's cool, man. Move on. Turn the page. "Say your peace and get out." Thanks, Grateful Dead, for that nugget.

I hope those who dismiss my words never experience or have a family member experience what I have, and I sincerely wish you happiness in this life. Don't make the choices I made. Those choices have burned a hole in my soul. My choices took almost everything I hold dear in this life - and even life itself from me briefly. We all have a dark side that will gladly tear us apart if we let it. I let mine take me over, mind, body, and soul. But my wounds are healing slowly. We can lead so many lives - from riches to rags, hopelessness to love and relative stability, and then back to rags. I created the life I lead and did this to myself, and that's important to recognize, acknowledge, accept, and move the fuck on. 

Love your family - they will always be there for you in one way or another. To my mother, I love you forever. Life can be challenging at times, but your comfort and love helped me save myself from myself. Others have played a significant part in my life and were an essential part of a joyous time in my life, but I made a promise that I will keep. You know who you are.

Whichever path you choose, be kind. As a dear friend of mine says, "Be smart, be safe, be happy." These are wise words. They dovetail nicely into the four or five agreements. Life will tear us down but it's up to us to use those lessons, however harsh they are, build ourselves back up, and learn how to be better people.  I wish you all a safe and happy New Year.