The Tapestry with Dr Deb Herodes - 5 January 2024

If you live in an area, where seasons help to determine your mood or if you live alone, and continually feel out of the loop, or if you live with your spouse and are constantly looking out the window hoping one of your grown children will surprise you with a visit, you just might be experiencing the blues.  While most of us know that Winter is a difficult time for those who struggle with anxiety, it is also a difficult season for most of us.  The morning temperatures demand hotter showers, simply to warm up, but this only helps if you can muster up enough energy to take a shower.  Sometimes this morning energy doesn’t wake up until around noon and because you were also too tired to pack a lunch, you are at the mercy of the crumbly, health bar at the bottom of your purse.  When yawning, and when your perceived inability to deal with your co-workers begin to overtake your sanity, you eyeball the clock only to realize you have 4 ½ more hours to go, before the workday is complete.  Sadly, your 5 p.m. departure leads to a pitch-black parking lot, with snow and ice awaiting a windshield scraping, and a freezing cold car. Chugging your way home, you cannot wait to see your family pet, if you own one, because it will ask nothing of you.  Think again!

An opening of your front door alerts the Christmas songs you synced with your doorbell and although “Deck the Halls” pervades the darkness of the room, it is an annoying disturbance because it reminds you that your Christmas tree is still up and needs to be taken down; too much energy required! Switching on the lights makes you soon realize that taking down the tree is no longer a problem because your feline took care of it for you.  Broken shards of Christmas balls lie sparkling on the floor and your kitten-face has tinsel hanging out of her back end.  Falling to your knees in a desperate and theatrical moment, the word, “no,” comes to your lips.  Dinner is out of the question because the broken ornaments have been spread into the kitchen and you might cut your unbooted legs.  Trying to yank them off, made you devoid of energy you may have otherwise had, so chips, which still beckon from your bedroom nightstand, will be your entrée of choice. Going to the bedroom to retrieve your chosen dinner is probably not a good idea, as your bed is there, unmade and beckoning.  It is now 6 pm and you decide you’ll lie down for just a bit, promising yourself to clean up the living room and kitchen floor later and perhaps even give some attention to your need for a personal cleansing.  Dreaming, lost in the warmth of your blankets, soothes you throughout the night and before you know it, the sun is shining directly in your closed eyes, where your contact lenses remain from last night’s nap. With Doritos on your wrinkled blouse and posts from your pierced earrings jabbing into your neck, you roll out of bed, hoping that yesterday hadn’t truly left your home and hair in such disrepair.  Wandering to the living room gets rid of this hope and you find yourself in the same spot you were yesterday morning, except this time, today, you must choose between a broom or a showerhead; no time for both.

If any of these scenarios apply to you, it is only you that can change these depressive feelings.  Even those who faithfully take their anti-depressants daily, feel the pull and tug of seasonal depression. Believe it or not, reaching out to another human being can really make a big difference in your attitude. Chances are every person in your orbit is struggling on some level; make a connection with others, somehow, some way, so you feel like you are part of humanity. 

For some, social media is enough to connect with others. Unfortunately, however, social media can infuriate its users, because some participants find the need to be mean and/or dismissive of another user, just for the fun of it.  Some believe purchasing a pet, and giving attention to the pup or kitty will bring joy.  Although this can be true, true depressive behavior finds those impacted by it, too exhausted and removed from life to really give much attention to these pets.  Pets require energy and walks and playtime.  The outside walk will be good for the pet and the owner, if the owner has enough energy to engage in it. “I’ll do it tomorrow,” becomes a common statement for those who desperately want to engage in life but have no energy or no desire to do what it takes.

Engaging with other people, face to face, is probably the best thing one can do to lift one’s spirit and restart an aching engine. Smiles and laughter and even a sharing of low feelings helps in the recognition that one is not alone in the struggle.  There are two groups of people that are probably the best to interact with during these lonely days.  Both the old and the young have much to share.  Both will take the time, and both have much to say; the old are realists and wise, the young are idealists and innocent.  Taking time with the aged will give one a sense of understanding about the world at large.  They have seen it all and endured it all.  Many struggled through depression, without the help of medication, but they found a way to keep going.  Hard work will no doubt be their answer and their personal faith in God.  Stories of perseverance and hard times, often leads the listener to feel less encumbered, with his or her own life.  Stories of saving every penny, going without, an appreciation of public schooling and a pride in the fact that they survived the hard times will allow one to see that “a little, to many, is a lot!”   Family is usually central in the hearts and stories of elders.  Their pride in their children and grands and great-grands is everything to them.  Often tears will appear in their eyes with these memories, and you may also feel tears welling up in your eyes, for them.  Taking your mind and heart out of your own issues and concentrating on another’s sadnesses is so helpful to both parties.  A hand held, a heart understood is invigorating to those who only need to be recognized; you included.

And what of the children? Little needs to be said about how little ones can ignite your spirit.  Make no mistake, however, despite their age, they may be hurting too because the very things that make them happy often get trampled on, leaving them confused and anxious in the adult world. In their hopeful eyes, they look forward to every minute of their lives, because there is always something new, even if hurt comes along with each new adventure.  They plow forward wanting to be seen and heard, but often are silenced by out of patience parents, who cannot answer one more “why?”  A child in tears is a common sight but the business of the world tries to calm a weeping child with bribes or anger.  You have the wonderful opportunity of taking the time for each child you meet.  Listen to their unintelligible stories.  Smile with them when they laugh.  Give hugs, which will most likely be returned from little arms, but most importantly, gain energy from their desire to be present in their own lives and in yours.  There is no end to the joy little kids can bring to your life.

Surround yourself with people, because it is in these connections that we all muddle through the cold months, the hard times, the lonely years.  Make a phone call, set a date for a get-together.  Learn to enjoy the people you may work with for their individual talents and keep negative feelings away by refusing to accept them!  You have the power to look at things in a good way or a bad way…choose good.  In time, the snow will melt, and the temperatures will rise, and it will be time to make friends with your garden again, and the very things that keep you sane in the warm months.  Do not give up the friends you have met during the Winter and make sure to keep your attitude as positive as possible.  Remember your aging friends’ names and go see them.  Recognize those on bikes and scooters and in carriages and wave to them, as they encounter their lives.  You have built a new world of friends and these friends have sustained you; be sure you continue to sustain them.

Finally, if you have resisted seeing a physician to help you deal with what may be more than just a seasonal depression, make an appointment.  I resisted consulting a doctor because others “poo-pooed” my possible need for an anti-depressant. One must remember this was 25 years ago, and many were very negative about the use of medication, for such anxiety, but the continual panic attacks and totally plugged ears drove me toward a physician’s care.   Soon after this experience, I was given Prozac to try to help me get through the day.  I had three children, a full-time job and endless responsibilities.  Sound familiar?  My body was telling me something and up until this point, I was ignoring all the signs of illness. Upon finding my Prozac in the garbage can, in my home, thrown there by someone who didn’t want to think I needed anything to set my head straight, became the beginning of a trek toward wellness.  I could not be the best mom or best teacher possible, when I was struggling to appear normal.  My students would open windows, when panic attacks ensued, and I would run toward the cool air, gaining some needed air. My own children kept paper bags for me to breathe into, in the car, just in case panic happened, while I was driving.  Blowing into these bags regulated my breathing and thankfully got us all home safely.  I dearly loved the young ones who surrounded me, day and night, because in their innocence they would help me with no stigma attached.

Do not ever be afraid to take care of yourself!  Only you know how you are feeling.  If you need an anti-depressant and it helps you, use it.  I have been taking an anti-depressant for 25 years, and although I should probably up the dosage, as I sometimes feel incredibly anxious and angry, I have not changed the prescription.  I have tried instead to busy myself with other things, to keep my mind off all the things moms always worry about.  When someone tells you that your anxiety is “all in your head,” please turn around and say, “no kidding.” Most importantly, if you do begin to take anti-depressants, do not stop taking them cold turkey.  Consult your doctor, if you feel what was prescribed is not working and he/she will try another prescription that may work together with your body in a better way.

I only wish these medications had been available for all who struggled throughout the past.  “Mother’s little helpers,” aka valium, was really all those who were deeply distraught had to help them. Asylums were full of people, who really only needed to be listened to, believed, respected and born decades later, when anti-depressants became available.

Your personal mental health is everything, as your participation in life depends on it.  Hopefully, interaction with others, walking, exercising etc., will be the ticket for you, but if you are seriously struggling, take some time and find out what can help you live more productively.  Retreating to bed, day after day, constant absenteeism from work, panic attacks, uncontrollable crying, suicidal thoughts, and other physiological alerts, need to be examined.  Do not worry about what everyone else thinks; you must take care of yourself.